A Life, A Loss

So I realize that it has been a lifetime since I have posted. I had some emotional things to work out and have been contemplating this post for a while now, but the time feels right. I am not doing this for pity I want to make women aware! In May Andrew and I got some amazing news! We found out that we were expecting our second child in January. We didn't have much time with that little one and God decided to take him or her from us. I was okay though, afterall 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Well, about a month after the miscarriage I had another positive pregnancy test! We were beyond excited but definitely nervous. I was proactive and asked for all sorts of labs (I am lucky to have an AMAZING Dr who did exactly what I asked!). One of the labs was of course a serum HCG. Well it was 49 so I had to go back and get another one drawn, it was 28, for those of you who don't know, a decreasing HCG is not good! It means you are in the process of a miscarriage. And the next day I did just that.

I was devastated. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I cried a lot and questioned and questioned, "what was I doing wrong?" My pregnancy with Brynlee was flawless! At this point I told Andrew I was DONE trying to have more children. We have always wanted to adopt and I just figured that time was coming earlier than we had planned. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed, but praise God I have an amazing husband and daughter who made each day a little brighter. I looked at Brynlee and just thanked God over and over for blessing us with such a special, healthy baby girl. I was an emotional basket case for a couple of weeks and no one knew expect my parents. At first we were going to keep it a secret, I felt so guilty and ashamed.

I already had my first prenatal appointment scheduled so I went ahead a kept it so that I could talk to her and see if there was anything else I needed to have done. After talking for a while and looking deeper into dates. My Dr thought that it could possibly be just 1 miscarriage that lasted about 5 weeks. That definitely made me feel better but my heart didn't heal with those words. After a few weeks of throwing myself a pity party I realized how selfish I was being. "Who I am to say when the time is right to have another child." And "who am I to say I "deserve" another perfect child when there are SO many women who can't have children, period." And that's when I realized I didn't have to be ashamed and I could help other women that have gone through this. After all this is my reality!

It was a hard thing to talk about, not because I didn't want to, but because it is socially unacceptable. I have to say that MOST people were great! I had a friend that told me something she had heard, "when you see those 2 pink lines, you set a place for them at the dinner table." It is SO true! You immediately start to make dreams for them and even imagine who they will look like or what they will be like.

MY ADVICE...if anyone comes to you and tells you they have miscarried
1) Listen and DON'T give advice! Even if you have been through it, people grieve differently. Unless they ask for it of course!

2) NEVER NEVER NEVER tell them it could be worse...not if they were further along, not if it was twins, NOTHING! There were a couple of people I would have loved to punch in the face! :) (that was obviously the hormones talking!)
And 3) Don't ever mention that someone else is pregnant when in that same conversation you talked about the miscarriage, that is like getting your face rubbed in a cow pie!

I know that it is hard to know what to say, I have had friends miscarry and I never knew what to say and honestly I didn't understand how they were so emotionally involved at that point. But you are.

And another thing, please remember that men are not as involved as the mom at that point. Andrew was AMAZING to say the least.... he let me get mad, cry and laugh all in 60 seconds! He was extremely supportive and the BEST thing he said to me was, "I have no idea what you are going through, and I have no idea what I can do for you, but I love you so let me help whenever I can." To me, that was perfect. I needed him to acknowledge how difficult this was for me emotionally, mentally, AND physically.

I am happy to talk about this so if anyone ever has questions please don't hesitate to ask! One very positive thing for me is that one day I will be welcomed at heaven's gates by a son or daughter that I don't have the privilege to know here on earth! What an amazing day that will be!